Thoughts in the coffee shop

Hi…

You know how … in the hallways you smile at acquaintances, or when you hold the door open for someone, you guys smile at each other to be polite and all. Ever do that in a car?

I was pulling into the gym (in my car) and a guy passed me in his car and smiled. It was really weird. I’ve never had that happen before. It wasn’t a creepy smile… just a polite one like if you passed someone on the street. I’ve never experienced that in a car before. Hmm… interesting.

I think the reason I like running and swimming is because it gets me out of my head.

Lately… well… this year… I’ve been wrestling with this problem. You see, I’ve been trying to get out of my comfort zone. Try new things, expose myself to social situations I normally wouldn’t enter into. That sort of thing. I guess i’ve always seen myself at fault for not entering new social situations. I’ll sit at home after declining an invitation and part of me is glad because I didn’t want to go and the other half is wondering what would have happen if I went and how much fun they might be having.

Recently, I was faced with such a situation again and instead of declining, I accepted. It was one of those things where, deep down, I knew it was going to turn out bad, but went in anyway. I figured, either i’d be happy by the end if it worked out, or have learned something.

Well… it turned out bad, but in a good way. I did learn something and I wasn’t at home wondering if it was going to be fun. After leaving, I was a lot more secure with who I was and what I wanted.

I know I’m being very vague… but bear with me.

One of my friends once told me that she was sick of the not-serious friendships and relationships. I used to think that … I would never say that. I was hungry for experiencing those not-serious friendships and relationships because I haven’t had many of those.

Basically, after this, I appreciated my real friendships more. People who care about you and who want something meaningful and to have fun. I think, because I tried this situation, I won’t worry about whether I could have fun any more or feel left out because I didn’t go. I am happy with my friends and don’t want to experience that situation again any time soon.

I asked myself… well… if you know how it turned out with the situation (realizing I want meaningful friendships), then why do you still want to have fling relationships?

I guess it’s the same reason that I had for going to the get together. I want to try it so that I will appreciate what I have more and not have to yearn for that in the future.

Kind of like.. I want to have a lot of relationships and experiences so that when the time comes to marry or make a big decision, I’ll won’t be wondering what it would be like if I tried something else instead of getting married or going through with the decision.

That’s not how it works for others. One of my friends is wikid happy with this guy and has no second thoughts. But with me… I have to try a lot to know I don’t need that and can be fully content with my decision.

Hmm..

I was in the gym sauna room today (after being in the hot tub). Mostly older guys were there. Talking about bikes. One said how he was so bored he just had been cleaning his bike for the last few weeks. …. This may sound very condescending, but I never want to be old like that in a sauna room and … just be like that.

I never want to lose that fire that seems to burn so brightly in youth. Hmm… I wonder when the point comes that you give up most your dreams and just surrender to the routine?

More thoughts later. I’m confused with my own thoughts for now. I can’t wait for the trip to china.

What would you do…?

*waves*

I’m back from my adventures in boston and the whole model congress deal.

First thing’s first… the new amazing music video.

Aights. So we did this activity in sociology. I did not write this, some amazing guy (or girl) did.

”

The time is far off future. The earth’s atmosphere is so polluted it can no longer sustain human life. As a result domed cities have been built that have their own atmosphere. It takes three years to build these new domed cities and time is quickly running out. You are on the selection committee for the latest domed city completed and your job is to choose who may gain entry to the city. Chances are that those not selected may not live long enough on the outside to wait till the next domed city is built. The list below is the last round of applicants to join about 900 other people already accepted. You must choose only ten people from this list to enter the domed city. Your committee should discuss the pros and cons of each applicant and come to some consensus. Good luck!

Individuals requesting entry to new domed city:

1. 42 year old practicing surgeon who is gay

2. 29 year old millionaire playboy who hasn’t worked a day in his life

3. 60 year old opera singer

4. 19 year old car mechanic who has been convicted of window peeping

5. 10 year old boy with mild mental retardation

6. 25 year old nuclear physicist who has a history of mental illness (depression) but is ok now

7. Newlyweds who are teachers and are blind

8. 35 year old lawyer who has been convicted of some income tax evasion

9. 65 year old retired Christian missionary

10. 39 year old architect who has links to the Ku Klux Klan

11. 35 year old exconvict who runs a drug rehab center

12. 29 year old prostitute who donates half of her income to research on AIDS

13. 26 year old black dentist who is a follower of Louis Farrakhan (… he’s a black leader who is jew hating or something like that)

14. 16 year old pregnant teen who is a high school drop out

15. 10 month old abandoned baby who is HIV positive

”

Pick ten. The newlyweds count as two.

Post what you chose in the comments, i’ll post what i chose. Poast *grin* This activity reminds me of seven pounds.

I’ll talk about my adventures in boston in another blog. Vacation’s over. Back to school… ugh. Prom time’s coming around the corner. Guess I gotta get in the pool before all de fish are taken. Meh. I just want someone I can have fun with and it won’t be awkward, you know?

Aights. More later. P.S. In the gym… I dropped the weights on my neck/chest which then… slipped down and fell in my lap (it was a bar). Note to self….do not try to lift the same amount of weights you could lift before a long vacation.

-TK

Car crash and today’s music

Got in a car crash today. The guy was trying to turn in front of us (I wasn’t driving). It was a red light for him but he was trying to sneak it in. Boom. If I didn’t have a seat belt, would have gone flying. I got the wind knocked out of me by the seatbelt. We were going like 35-40.

Our car didn’t get much damage. There was an odd sizzling noise coming from the engine though. The other guy’s car was totaled.

So, I called the cops. Like 3 cars came and a tow truck and the ambulance. We were under 17 so we had to get checked out and our parents had to be called to sign off that we didn’t have to go to the hospital or something like that.

Spent 30 minutes or so standing around in the fucking cold. We had just got out from watching Push. Guess neither of us could see the future, eh?

Movie one is sung by this girl. She has a really good voice. It’s from the movie Seven Pounds.

Movie two is from Seven Pounds… when she sings to him:

Valentines Day (I hate holidays)

Warning: This post is totally unrelated to Valentines Day.

I was fencing the other night and Nick got to talking about how when you get old, you get fat and all this. Really got me thinking.

I’m not a big commitment kind of guy. I don’t like things that I have to do everyday like sports after school and clubs. I like things that you can do once or twice a week… like how I do fencing two/three times a week. But, If I want to stay slim I’m going to have to do cardio and eat well everyday when I get older. I guess it’s just a matter of really really wanting to be healthy. I don’t know… I know I’d find myself disgusting if i was very fat again (I was when I was little).

I find charisma very interesting. I need to study that more. I know that to fulfill myself, I’m going to have to learn more about people, being with them, talking. Develop a bit of charisma. If I don’t, I won’t be fulfilled in that aspect. I think that… yes there are special people who are born with charisma, the ability to sway, but you are able to learn to have enough charisma to effectively be who you are.

Nothing else. Here’s the vid for today. It’s a trailer for seven pounds. If you haven’t seen the movie, you should get it. I really connect with it.

Read this if you want to know why i’m connected:

There are scenes in the movie… and just the overall movie that speak really close to heart.

I’ve said this in one of my poems.

”
A man in sorrow can do all,
But what all is worth time?
Anything without fear of fall,
Actions evil or divine.
”
Basically, when you’re marked, scarred, gone through something bad that puts a permanent stain on your heart, you can do anything. Because you don’t care. You know? But at the same time you don’t care so you don’t see any action worth time.

That makes me think of the main character and what he went through. There’s this scene where the guy and the girl are having dinner. God… there’s so much love and power around that scene. True love. Hmm. I wonder what the girl was like before she had a heart problem. If she was, as she said, hot and like those other types of girls, or if she really was that nice.

I don’t know what to think… if she loves him because of her condition and she can’t find anyone else and is just longing for marriage/kids/love, or if she truly does love him. Maybe both.

Please watch it if you have the time. It’s sad, but meaningful and the ending is semi-happy. Watch it with someone you love if you got that I guess.

This movie reminds me why I write stories. What sucks though is these characters don’t exist. They’re just actors.

Numb

You know those numb periods you go through in your life? I’m having one of those now.

Don’t really know what I’m doing. Just kinda trudging along. I don’t do anything meaningful any more. Ugh. Enough complaining.

Today, my blog got 53 views and I have no idea why. It’s very odd. Usually it will get like 5-10, some days when write a new post it gets 40. I didn’t even post anything and it got 53. Odd.

I’m trying to make this February vacation a healing type of experience. The whole lick my wounds, re-figure out what life is about deal. I’m going to visit Fordham University and Northeastern University. That should be fun. Going to Harvard Model Congress too for the last half. Not much else. Go swimming and work out. Read. Do I dare say write? I haven’t done that in a while.

I swam fifty times back and forth today in the pool. It’s about a half mile. I like swimming… it’s like a full body orgasm.

I have a lot of new books from the book fair. I’m reading one by Steinbeck now. I forgot how much I love him. It’s called Travels with Charley In Search of America. I’ll let you know how it goes.

That’s about it. Peace.

Love song/chauvinism

Song:

Chauvinism… interesting arguments.

Music (dance songs)

For the first song, you gotta click on it to hear/view.

More Gym Stories

Sorry to the 5-20 people in the world that read my blog (varying depending on the day) for not posting much in a while. I’m working on a review/reflection of Obama’s book. I really wanna be thorough with it. I figures i’ll post some stuff in the meantime.

So, I was at the gym and … I had this extremely awkward, but meaningful experience. It’s about 9 PM so there weren’t a lot of people there. Just me and this older woman and older man in the free weights room. There was no music, so it was quiet and the two were talking wikid loud.

Somehow, the convo got on sex. I was amazed they didn’t censor themselves… i’ve been told I look a lot younger with my glasses on. So, the convo’s on sex and i’m doing my best not to burst out laughing… it was soooo awkward.

They start talking about cheating and the guy’s saying how men like variety and the woman agrees that it’s in a man’s genes to want multiple sex partners. The guy talks about how he was thinking of cheating on his girlfriend (who… oddly.. he’s lived with for 8 years). By the way, the girl he’s living with wants to get married or, as he says, “wouldn’t mind it,” but he has no motivation to. The woman he’s talking to says that all women secretly want to get married. I remember a study in psyche how … if you live with someone before you get married, statistically, it is more likely that you will not get married. ANYWAYS.

The girl’s saying how everyone thinks about cheating. The guy complains how being with the same person gets old. “Men want variety. You get the hot little asian chick and then want the sexy latina.” Woman says that cheating isn’t worth it because if you like the person you with, you’ll never be able to go back to what it felt like before you cheated. Guy says how he just wants the “bar fling,” but realizes that even if he thinks about it, he’d never cheat.

They talked more about sex and relationships and stuff, and then I was done and left. Lmao,

It’s kinda interesting to realize that when i’m 40 i’mma still be talking about this relationship and world and life shit. Just like the guy says “It never ends.” I kinda wanted to interject and tell them some stuff that I learned because some stuff they said … was… just totally … erm? dumb ? no… generalized I guess. But I held my tongue. That’s a definite skill in life… learning when to hold your tongue.

I started thinking back to the beginning of man, when men were hunters. Did men at that time care for just one woman, or spread their seed? I think they spread their seed. Then, men became farmers and they localized their seed. Meaning, they kept a woman in their house and that was who they passed on their genes with. Then, I guess it became social norm to have only one woman. Who knows, I could be wrong about the hunters. I’m willing to bet though that it was a lot like a gorilla tribe where there’s a dominant male who gets the females and other males who get the females (gotta research that more).

It’s interesting the difference between farmers and hunters. Both occupations require hard work and demand fitness. Maybe I’ll write a story about a farmer vs. a hunter. Show the conflicting qualities and how their view of women are different. I think that… with the change of occupations, what a woman looks for/what men take change. Like… with the farmers, women might look for a man with endurance who can go in the fields every day. With the hunters, women might look for a strong, fast man who can bring down large prey.

On the whole cheating/variety thing. I see it like this.

If you cheat, your relationship with your boyfriend/partner will never be the same again. You can’t go back. Maybe the person can forgive you, but you’ve lost what you had and you gotta build something new with an already rickety base. It’s possible, but very difficult. Personally, I can never see staying with a person after they cheat on me. Maybe because i’ve had bad experiences with that in the past.

Men and women like variety. But.. it’s not like putting on a different shirt every day kind of variety. It’s a variety of lifestyle. Let me explain. Some people will say that you’ll get bored of the same person just like you get bored of wearing the same shirt every day. I agree with that statement if and only if you haven’t found your “true love.”

You gotta do a lot of exploring of yourself, the world, and people in general in order to find your true love and be happy with them. This may be a bad example, but you’re true love is like yourself. Normally, you don’t grow bored of yourself and want a new self like you send in your computer for a new one. Instead, you grow and change and adapt.

A true love is like that. You gotta find someone you can grow with, love, and never grow tired of. You will never grow tired of them because you and them are both continually changing, experiencing new things, and doing things together. Kind of like mozart or stephen king or an olympic swimmer. You don’t grow tired of your passion because you always get something new out of it, always can go to a new level, always improve. You found your groove in life and keep expanding and growing. Mozart never grew tired of music, but if he kept only playing the piano, he would. Instead he learned other instruments and wrote music. He kept on going to the next level.

A relationship’s gotta be like that. It is always about pushing forward, doing new things together. When it stays static, then boredom sets in and atrophy… just like a muscle. That’s why internet relationships don’t work. You can only talk and when you’re done talking about each other’s past and ideas, that’s it. It doesn’t grow any more. In a physical relationship, you do things together and accomplish goals. When you’ve been with your partner so much that you know them into the deepest regions of their heart, it’s about doing things with them and accomplishing goals with them. Kind of like, when you think you know yourself or the world very well, it’s about going out there and changing it and experiencing new things that may make you change your views.

Just like writing. When you know how to write and know how to develop a good story line, you don’t stop. You develop more stories, get into movie writing, write poetry.

And as for finding your true passion/love? You test the limits and keep testing and keep experiencing. I thought computer programming was my passion. I tested the limits of my abilities and realized it wasn’t. Same with psychology, same with writing. That’s what I think I have to do when I meet the person I think I’ll marry. It’s not like… the whole testing them in a creepy way or obsessive way. It’s about seeing them in different situations to get a sense of who they really are.

Anyway, that’s it. Comment.