Review of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

“Business is people.” I forget who said that to me, but I never quite understood the implications of that statement. A large reason is that the first businessmen I came to admire is Robert Kiyosaki, who is the author of Rich Dad Poor Dad. He always seemed to have a contempt for his employees and called them “little people” because they wouldn’t dare to take the leap of entrepreneurship or put in the effort to become financially educated. As a result, I became disgusted with myself and discovered this burning desire to become more than ordinary in terms of my personal finances and to cross over from “salaried employee” to “owner.” Robert Kiyosaki ingrained the idea in my mind that a successful owner has to sell to the masses in order to capture their money and come out ahead of the herd.

The next businessman I came to admire was Warren Buffet, but even after studying this famous investor, I didn’t fully understand the concept that business is people. He seemed to view businesses in terms of numbers and not organic, living systems. Of course, after doing more research, I realized that Warren Buffet is also extremely skilled in interpersonal communications, but at the time, it seemed as though the truly great businesses were identifiable by their financial statements alone and there wasn’t much to be said about employee or customer psychology.

Eventually, I did come to truly comprehend the magnitude of this old adage, and with this newfound understanding, there was a great amount of fear and self-doubt. Interpersonal relations and communication are probably the weakest aspects of my personality. When it comes to arguments or stating facts, I have no problem presenting or conveying information. However, I shy away from the instances where I’ll have to convey emotion and enthusiasm or manage the emotions of other people. Why? Partly because I’m not good at self expression and secondly because I have the all too human trait of being very self centered. In the past, I have enjoyed studying the mind and human behavior in a purely academic setting, but when it comes to managing and interacting with people in the real world, I am at a loss.

After realizing this and feeling sorry for myself, I created an ultimatum. Either one of two things is going to happen. Either some day I will cross the line from employee to owner, or I will waste my entire life trying to do so no matter what the cost. It’s the same type of ultimatum I make myself agree to while I’m working out: Either I will complete 4 miles on this treadmill, or I will have a heart attack/collapse.

So, out of the desire to improve my interpersonal skills, I picked up the famous 1936 bestseller, ” How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.” It certainly is a classic and even raises discussion to this day. In fact, while I was reading the NYtimes today I came across an article talking about it (see here).

For those seeking a condensed version, what follows are my notes on the book. In terms of a traditional review, I don’t have much to say other than as an introverted and oblivious college student, it has completely changed my view on human interaction and I see it as a new challenge to incorporate as many of the ideas as I can in my everyday life.

Fundamental Techniques of How to Handle People

Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain

• Criticism puts the person on the defensive and makes them justify. It also wounds pride/sense of importance/causes resentment.
• Speak Ill of no man and all the good I know of of everybody.—Franklin

Give honest and sincere appreciation

• A strong desire is the desire to be great/important/appreciated.
• If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I will tell you what you are
• “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement…anxious to praise, loathe to find fault” Swab (hired by andrew car.)
• Flattery (insincere) vs. Appreciation (sincere)
• “I shall pass this way but once, there, that I can do any kindness that I can show to any human being.”
• “Everyman is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

Arouse in the other person an eager want.

• Bait the hook to the fish
• Talk about what they want and show them how to get it
• Henry ford: If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.
• The only way to get people to do what you want is to make the other person want to do it by giving them what they want.
• Make other people come up with your idea.

Six Ways to Make People Like You 

Do this and you’ll be welcome anywhere: Become genuinely interested in other people.

• You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
• “I love my audience”
•  I never forgot that to be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a salesperson to possess—for any person, for that matter.
• If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.

Smile

• You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

An easy way to become a good conversationalist: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

• “Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important.”
• Ask questons that other people will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

 How to interest people: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests (topics they are interested in)

• I decided to find out what interested this man—What caught his enthusiasm.
• Think Theodore Roosevelt.

How to make people like you instantly: Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

• Always make the other person feel important
• The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

You can’t win an argument: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

• Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? You will feel fine but you have made him feel inferior and have hurt his pride. He will resent you.
• If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get you opponent’s good will – Benjamin Franklin
•  By admitting other person’s importance (if they crave it through authority), they will be more sympathetic and kindly.
• When in a disagreement, distrust your instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep you calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best
• Look for areas of agreement and listen.
• Always think about what feelings your actions will cause.

A sure way of making enemies—and how to avoid it.: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

• Be aware of your tone/face/gestures. Even if you are not telling someone “you’re wrong.” Your actions may be
• By arguing, we hurt feelings/pride/self-respect and therefore do not alter opinions.
• Use the Socratic method
• Self-depreciation. “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.”

If you’re wrong, admit it: if you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

• If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves?
• Say about ourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say.

A drop of honey: Begin in a friendly way

The secret of Socrates: begin talking about what you agree on: get the other person saying yes yes immediately.

The safety valve in handling complaints: listen and let other person talk more. Let the other people do a great deal of talking about what they enjoy talking about/want to.

 How to get cooperation: make the other person feel like the idea is his or hers.

A formula that will work wonders for you: try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

• Other people could be totally wrong but don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them
• Find reason in their actions.
• How would I feel/react in his shoes.
• Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way! Then, along with Lincoln and Roosevelt, you will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships; namely, that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.
• Consider other person’s ideas as important as your own.

What everybody wants: sympathy. Be sympathetic to other person’s ideas and desires.

• If I were you, I’d feel the same way

An appeal that everybody likes: Assume that people are good/sincere/truthful. Let them rise to the occasion. Appeal to nobler motives.

 The movies do it: add element of drama to ideas.

When nothing else works: breed healthy competition/appeal to excellence and challenge. Throw down a challenge.

 

Be a leader: how to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment 

If you must find fault, this is the way to begin: begin with praise and honest appreciation.

• Compliment/appreciate the person first

 How to criticize and not be hated for it: call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

• Instead of saying “but” say “and” (makes praise sound real).

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

• “Its no worse than the mistake I’ve made.”
• Begin with talking about your own shortcomings

 No one likes to take orders: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

• What do you think of?
• Brash order causes resentment.
• People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued. Also can stimulate creativity.
• If you want people to work faster: Is there any way we can meet this order?

 Let the other person save face:

• Consider how you might hurt the other person’s pride.
• Specifics = genuine appreciation. General = flattery.
• Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. Example: meeting, sticking up for employee’s mistake.
• “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes.”

How to spur people on to success: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”

• “Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit.”
• We all crave appreciation and recognition and will do almost anything to get it. It must come from the heart though.
• “Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. To become a more effective leader of people…see above.

Give a dog a good name: Give a person a fine reputation to live up to.

• Give people a quality or reputation to live up to.
• Show that you respect someone for some kind of ability
• “If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.”

Make the fault seem easy to correct.: Use encouragement.

• Make the person seem that they have a natural talent and that it would be easy to correct the issues
• Give the person hope. = incentive to improve.

Making people glad to do what you want

• Make the person feel important
• Giving titles and authority gives something for a person to live up.
• 1. Be sincere. Do not promise what you cannot deliver. Forget about your benefits and concentrate on the benefits to the other person
• 2. Know what you want the other person to do
• 3. Be empathetic and understand what they want.
• 4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you want.
• 5. Match benefits to other person’s desires
• 6. When you make request, put it in form that will convey to the person you have their interests in mind.
• Will not always work, but will improve your chances.

“The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction. It puts a person in the limelight, raises one head and shoulders above the crowd. And the person who can speak acceptably is usually given credit for an ability out of all proportion to what he or she really possesses.”

“That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.”

“Because he had singled out a specific accomplishment, rather than just making general flattering remarks, his praise became much more meaningful to the person to whom it was given. Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere—not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.”