…. confession to make…. I did not reach my goal. At least… not in the way I thought. I made the promise to fill up all the pages in the journal (about 200 front and back). I filled up 71 and now I’m going to stop writing.
I re-read a bunch of entries and they kind of disappointed me. They weren’t nearly as depth-filled as I thought they were when I was writing them. Also, I noticed this pattern… it almost became like a routine… writing the journal that is, and the more I had to write, the less thought there was in each entry and it left a bland mellow-drama taste. I have a lot of good thoughts in the journal.. and a lot of bad ones. *nod*
A few days ago, I sat down to write in it and was like “why am I doing this?” It felt like a chore. As I thought about it more… i realized I didn’t need to write in the journal any more. I don’t need it to record what I felt, what I thought, the experiences I had. I know them because I hold them in my heart.
It’s such a great feeling to not have the need to write any more. It’s like i’ve said what I’ve needed to say on the subject, and the rest is in my heart, you know? Giving me strength when I need it. I don’t regret recording so much…I enjoyed journaling, writing down, getting my thoughts and feelings out… it’s just I don’t need to do it any more… for china at least.
I’m reading this book, Blink… and it’s kind of like what stephen king says about the tool box. In life, you got all these experiences and you can record them and journal them and all this shit to keep them alive, but when it comes down to it, you’ll be lugging around this big back pack and most of it won’t be worth it’s weight. At the end of the day, it’s the few experiences and feelings you do remember that change you. Not the entire summation/record of your experiences. You can try to hold on to everything, but you just won’t be able to to… It’s about selecting those few feelings that really stand out and holding them to your chest and never letting go.
I’ll write one more entry in the journal and then it goes on my shelf to be re-discovered at a later date perhaps.
Going to Disney for a few days on my class trip :-D.
I said i’d celebrate when I got to 5,000 views, so me and my Dad are planning to go climb Mount Washington. It should be fun, and I love mountains :-D.
*hasn’t forgotten about China poast*
‘Yesterday was officially my last day of highschool!!!!
Although… I still have to write a 7 page paper for my internship… yay… :(.
Off to pack. TTYL yo.
OH! And i went dragon boating. It was like a cross between white water rafting and canooing and rowing. I could barely lift my arms afterwards…
And so… 200 years ago… god created the earth…and crossed his arms over his chest and stood back, viewing all it’s glory and said, “I dig it yo.”
So imma talk about Mr Coelho’s book, but before I do… Best quote of the weekend… “Lift as you climb” (lifting others) from extreme makeover. That black guy was a real hero. Spent weekend at aunt’s. I never realized I had such a big family… had fun/good meals/ HAD TURKISH COFFEE!/ finished the book on the 5 hour or so car ride.
Today’s vid:
Listen to the music and dance to the beginning. It’s sooo powerful.
Oh, here’s some pics i took …
street at night
sky 1
sky2
sky3
So… the Witch of Portobello…this is gonna be an in depth post into my mind, so it’s gonna be long. It probs will only be interesting to people who know me, but oh well.
Reason I picked up the book was cuz it said it’s about finding the courage to be true to yourself… even if you are unsure of who you are….. and that’s a problem I have.
This was like his book the alchemist… it followed the life of this woman and all the people she touched and the experiences she and other people had. She was kind of a christ-figure. *nod* I don’t want to give too much away of it… but it’s hard not to and say what I thought. Oh well.
One of the reasons I connected so well with this book is… the woman’s adopted and one of her missions was to go back and find her real parents cuz she thought it would make her whole again. That’s something that I want to do (I’m adopted for those who don’t know). Like, her, I’m thankful for my parents now, but need to find that other part of myself… discover my roots, you know?
Athena was this woman who entered so many lives and marked the people with new ideas… the way one journalist described how he felt… “They don’t understand and would be incapable of understanding Athena’s world. Yes, that’s the best way to think of it- Athena’s world. I’m finally coming to accept that I was only a temporary inhabitant, there as a favor, like someone who finds himself in a beautiful mansion…and that the time will come when the lights will go out.” … really was just how I felt about some of the relationships i’ve been in. I’ve felt like I’ve been temporary inhabitants in their life… and then the day came when the lights went out.
One thing i’m beginning to realize is that… in order to live contently you gotta have pride in what you do and who you are and what you have. “Yet even today, my hairdresser said very proudly: ‘My daughter’s got a degree.'” I’ve never felt real pride before. I always feel like if I’m glad that I won a fencing tourni… if I told other people or boasted, then it wouldn’t just be me being pretentious. I don’t want to come across as that.
Maybe living in a middle class family makes it so you don’t have to work for what you have, so you don’t feel all that much pride. The poor people who work to get a good looking car are prideful of it. If my parents had one and let me drive it around, I would feel guilty because I have one and other people don’t. Kind like I’m showing off. You know?
GET UP ON YO PRIDE GIRL!
A big part in the book talked about “filling in your blank spaces.” It’s a hard concept to grasp… but basically… you know when you’re not doing anything? It’s about being content with those moments. I always feel lonely or kinda empty when i’m not doing something… engaged in some activity… just like how Athena felt. God is a way to fill that loneliness. No one wants to accept that they are alone. I think… When I have truely developed who I am, found my calling, and the love of my life, I will have all the blank spaces filled in
“But that’s all a way of avoiding those moments when nothing is happening, because those blank spaces give me a feeling of absolute emptiness, in which not a single crumb of love exists. My parents have always done everything they could for me…but here, during the time we’ve spent together….I’ve realized that those empty spaces were starting to get filled up. They were transformed into pauses, the moment when the man lifts his hand from the drum before bringing it down again to strike it hard.”
“When you fill in the spaces, you’ll start to believe in your own abilities.”
“But time, as well as healing all wounds, taught me something strange too: That it’s possible to love more than one person in a life time”
God… this quote really speaks to the heart. Some people I know have lost lovers and have kept on loving with another after many years. I can’t… comprehend it. What is love if you can love more than one person? It is possible though. I don’t know. I have to think about this one more. When I picture my true love, I can’t see myself loving anyone else like that… though I guess it’s not the same love if I moved on. Hmm….
The book talks about the vertex of life too… where all the energy converges… I like that idea. I think sometimes I reach that in really happy moments or when I am very content.
“Your employees worked with more enthusiasm because they were able to enjoy one moment in the day when they came into full contact with themselves.” I really do think it’s important every day to slow down… and to feel the blank space for a bit. If you feel lonely it reminds you that you still haven’t found your self and still gotta keep pushing the next day.
When Athena met up with her real mother… her mother thought, “On the contrary, I wasn’t there to ask questions, but to answer them.” I think a lot about my mother late at night or when I’m seeing something very beautiful. Would she understand who I am? Be as eager to answer my questions as to know about me? What type of woman IS she…… gah…. fucks with your head
I know meeting my mother will fill in some blank spaces in my heart.. but like athena said… “I needed to fill up my blank spaces, and I thought just seeing your face would be enough. But it wasn’t…”
One interesting idea was that of a “great mother” (kinda like the Tao). I didn’t like it much, but i did like this idea… “the gret mother placed in our path so that we could survive..” the idea that things are placed in your path so that later you are strong enough to live on.
Also, “Love is enough to justify a whole existence.” I’m slowly beginning to realize just how true this quote is… seeing as the happiest people are the ones with true love and family and belonging.
“Life flows on and everyone is caught up in that flow.” … i like that idea if your not a part of it, you will become less relevant
One idea I got while reading is that happiness is continual… you arn’t just content and that’s it and you can die… it’s like running. Your happiness is running. You keep doing things, keep living, and you enjoy you happiness that way. You don’t shut yourself off from the world with your love because you are happy. Living in happiness is more enjoyable than having happiness and hiding it away like a treasure or something.
“Who am I not….” that’s the most important question… especially with careers. My college years are gonna be all about discovering who I’m not and what type of person i’m not and what type of friends i don’t want to have.
“Imagine a flock of birds flying… you have an idea of how many there are that you see… so where did those images come from? Someone put it there. Someone who, in that fraction of a second, took charge of you and shower you her power.”
“You hang onto them because you don’t believe.” So true. I cling to past ideas and people like there’s no tommorrow and that without them I am nothing.
This quote really hit home… it was about books
“Meanwhile, you sit here surrounded by all this stagnant energy, purely to impress the friends who visit you. Or is it that you don’t feel you’ve learned anything from them and need to consult them again…I think you need to read, but why hang on to all these books…(he says) without them I feel naked. (she says) Ignorant you mean. (he says) uncultivated (she says) So your culture isn’t in your heart, it’s on your book shelves.”
I realized… such a huge part of who I am is on my book shelves…. in my notations… in my notes. It’s quite sad there are many messages i’ve just stored away and didn’t really take to heart. That needs to change.
“I’m asking you to cease being human and to transform yourself into something you don’t know.”
“Don’t let yourself be weighed down by what other people think, because in a few years, in a few decades, or in a few centuries, that way of thinking will have changed.”… kinda like when I’m having a wikid anxious moment and I think…. will this shit even matter in 2… 5… a 100 years?
“passion died out a long time ago because you’ve all got used to one another”
Athena used dance to reach The mother…. and well… being not in harmony to reach another, deeper part of her self that was in touch with the world. I wanna try doing that 1 hour dance session… then dancing not to the beat.
“Because we are not meant for solitude and we only know ourselves when we see ourselves in the eyes of others.”
I think.. living has got to do with two things… learning to separate your soul from your body (coelho says and letting the mother fill the empty space), and learning to unite them. I want to do the second.
“Anyone who tries to imprison love will cut off the spring that feeds it and the trapped water will grow stagnant and rank.”
“Keep the bicycle moving, because if you stop pedaling you will fall off” (I think actually albert einstein said that quote)
“When we die to the world, we are reborn to ourselves.”
This book was also about learning to bring yourself to the moment. I drift through a lot of days in daydream mode.. i guess that’s what all meditation is about though (the moment).
Don’t cross the river to the other side.. follow it. (summed up quote)
… Overall… loved a lot of the book’s messages… the beginning and the middle. Wasn’t a big fan of the messages towards the end. I don’t agree with The Mother/love bullshit. Especially when the guy was supposed to accept that she loved that other guy and loved him on an abstract soulful level. Bull shit.
Also. I didn’t like that a lot of the book put the “solution” to life in such goddamn elegant terms. That’s not how the solution is. When you paint, you get all yucky, when you build you get all dirty, when you sculpt, your hands get dry. There’s nothing fucking elegant about it. Especially with books and movies. Movies are so calculated. Engineers produce them, not goddamn elegant artists. True, they have human/artistic appeal, but the book acted like it’s graceful and easy. It takes shitloads of practice and hard work and mistakes. It’s not innately elegant. That’s the point.
I donno… I don’t like the idea of love justifying everything. Mabye because of some cheating episodes i’ve gone through. Like mr. manson says… some people can’t smell the own shit on their knees. I like writers who put things dirty but beautiful and true. I didn’t like towards the end how he tried to gracefully end it and it just made the girl look like an idiot. True, he’s just making a summation of this woman’s life… but i didn’t like the end at all. I was starting to like the woman, but at the end when she wouldn’t be direct about her boyfriend… love … all that shit she’d been dragging that guy through … I just thought she was weak and disgusting.
Overall.. .good book, some parts i couldn’t stand, but i’d recommend.
Erms… didn’t think I’d be at this stage in my life when I wrote this post… you know? When you’re little, you always think of prom as this big high school thing and that when you’re there you’ll be like an adult and be all mature and know so much about the world and be confident and have a girl on your wing…
Basically… we went to a friend’s house where we were picked up by the limo. Then went to the town common to take pictures. Then went to the prom… ate dinner… dessert… dancing… went back to our town … had a 3 AM breakfast… and I went home and slept.
I had a good time… but it wasn’t amazing like I thought it would be. It was just like a formal dance with dinner. P.S. We rented a hummer limo. It was fucking awesome for like 30 minutes and then I just felt cramped. It was pretty sweet though… had strobe lights, weird colorful lights on the ceiling, cool glasses and soda, leather seats, and it just looked bad-ass from the outside. There wasn’t a sunroof though so we couldn’t hang out and flash random people on the street : (. A pitty.
I guess… the reason I wanted to go to prom was I wanted to go to one formal dance in high school and actually dance… not just sit off to the side and talk/eat/drink. For those that suck at dancing and are self-conscious about it… you know what I mean. I don’t like being bad at things when other people are good at them. Simple as that.
Good news :-P. I got over my fear of dancing. In fact, I had a lottt of fun. It took a bit to warm up… loosen up… but then it was just natural moving to the music. Even if I looked silly, I was having a good time and I didn’t care if I looked silly, that’s the best part. You see… there’s a big difference between being bad at something and thinking it’s because… your bad at it (uncoordinated, just will never be able to be good at it) and being bad at it because you don’t have practice. I realized I could be good at dancing if I practiced and just loosened up.
Fear of dancing is so overrated. I can’t believe I was timid about it. I’m a big fan of being pushed in the middle of the road to learn to drive a motorcycle. That’s how it works for me… I gotta just jump into it, make mistakes, and learn how to do it on my own to feel confident about doing it.
I definitely want to take Spanish/latin, African, and ballroom dancing classes in college. :-D.
Breakfast was sooo funny. We met these drunk guys there who were trying to get us to take our dates to the motel six so we could get laid. They were even willing to pay for us to do it (probably cuz they wanted to join in lmao). They said that breakfast was like sex… when it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, it’s still good :-P.
I’m glad I went to prom… I’ve been trying to go to prom for 2 years and finally I went.
Oh another P.s. …. I love tuxes/vests. :-P. I wanted to sleep in mine.
I listened to it while it was thundering/raining outside… twas very powerful. Took this pic after the rain stopped and the sun came out.
So… I got back from china three weeks ago. Still gotta poast on that. I just had prom last weekend…. here’s two pics from that that I like… I’m the guy with the blue vest.
Heaven
Trees on fire
I wants to lick it
prom1
Not pleased to have his picture taken
Im on far right… the short one
I enrolled in George Washington University! More on all this later. I has lots to say about china *nod nod*
The Thought Hole 