Snow, christmas, and football

So, I’m a little behind, but I wanna talk about some things that have happened since I’ve gone home for the holidays.

Snow

My plan was to take a train out of D.C. and leave around 3 p.m. on saturday. It turned out the final that I was supposed to take saturday morning got canceled and I ended up writing the two essays for that class on Friday night so I could leave earlier on Saturday. That was probably one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time. D.C. got hit by a massive blizzard and I woke up on Saturday and discovered that everything was buried under two feet of snow!

I think some records were broken or something. Anyway, I got an email saying that the metro would be closing at 1 p.m. because the snow was covering the tracks. Holy shit, I’m glad I woke up early.

I got all my stuff together and headed out into the blizzard. So I have this bag of laundry and my suit case and the snow is two feet deep and my shoes are all wet because they’re running shoes and my jeans are starting to soak and stick to my legs and I’m quite literally dragging my suitcase through the snow leaving a path behind.

The city was very surreal. The snow was still falling and there were absolutely no cars or people out. It reminded me of that movie, The Day After Tomorrow. You know?

Anyways, I stopped next to this restaurant to make sure I hadn’t lost anything and there was this homeless woman with all this food and I was in a peculiarly jolly mood, so I said good morning. She told me that the starbucks was giving away free food and that she could watch my stuff while I got some. I thanked her, but said that I had to be on my way. I didn’t trust her with my things and I didn’t wanna trudge through the snow all the way back to starbucks.

Maybe it’s because I’m an only child, but I love the city when its empty. Don’t get me wrong, I love the city when it’s full, but when it’s empty it’s like your the only one there to witness the beauty and that no one else in the world but you is going to experience this perfect moment. It’s like God or allah or tao or whatever made it just for you.

Well, I finally made it to the metro. There was this homeless guy there walking in circles. Suddenly, I was very glad I had a warm bed waiting for me and very thankful for being adopted by a family with money who cared about me. There were more homeless people in the metro wrapped up in blankets with their heads between their knees. One of the guys kept pretending like he was going to buy a subway ticket. It was sad. I think he was afraid that the security would kick him out.

The ride to the train was short. When I got there, there were even more people begging for money. I felt bad. I had a granola bar in my bag, but I didn’t now which one to give it to. What makes one man more deserving than the next? I finally gave it to this one guy who came up to me while I was nomming pizza .Then you know what happened? He pocketed it and went right on begging. Most of the people around me saw me give him something so they kind of gave him dirty looks. At first, I was pissed, but when I thought about it more, I realized if I was really really hungry, I would get as much food as I could before I took time out of begging to eat. The longer you beg, the more food you get, right?

I changed my 3:45 train to a 1:30 and then began the long wait. All the trains were backed up. I ended up meeting a friend from ballroom and spent most of the time chilling with her. We waited six fucking hours, and right when I left the area and had given up all hope (I was going to go on my laptop), she called me… the train came! I was so fucking happy and so glad she was there to tell me. Two more hours to Pennsylvania where my dad and my uncle picked me up and then a slow and laborious hour drive back to my uncle’s house. Nine hours in all that should have been 2-3. It was a hell of a snow storm, and curling up in my bed was the best feeling I had in what seemed like an eternity.

Christmas

My god, this christmas was so much better than my last one. I didn’t write about my last christmas on this blog because I wanted to keep stupid depressing shit off it, but since that time, this blog has kind of grown on me, so now I put in it what matters to me. Dig?

Last christmas was hell. Some one once said to me that she hated christmases and every other holiday because they reminded her how alone she was. That pretty much sums up my christmas last year. I stayed up till five in the morning on christmas eve playing the same songs over and over again, talking to myself, writing senseless stuff, and watching the same movie scenes over and over again from the fountain. I was at a total loss as to how my life took such a weird turn and as to why I suddenly felt so goddamn lonely. I seriously thought I was losing my mind. I felt like a ghost on christmas day (lack of sleep) and probably looked like one too.

This christmas was soo much better. I was generally much happier. A large part of that is due to spending more time with the people I care about. An even bigger part goes to my girlfriend.

I really felt like giving this christmas. I tried to be more thoughtful and was very content with how things went. :)

Football

It seems as though our culture is in a continual battle between the people who believe that each individual is unique and the people who believe that each person is nothing more than a statistic.

God I hate the people at the football game. Fucking fat drunken americans. Grown up jocks. It was very disgusting, especially when one opened a beer can and sprayed it into the crowd and onto my face. I wanted to burry my fist into his neck. Children need to be punished.

I don’t know. Maybe i’m being a little harsh and a little grumpy, but it’s how I was feeling. I guess they’re just trying to have a good time. I can’t blame them. It was freezing in the stadium. We had seats way up in the clouds. It wasn’t as bad as you might think though. Could still see the players and everything. God, the prices were outrageous. The pats pwned the jaguars. It was almost a shutout.

Anyway, to get back to what I was saying, when you’re up there in the stadium and there are 50,000 people around you, it really does feel like your nothing more than a statistic. Every one of those people has a life, has memories and dreams and maybe a family and is probably good at something that makes him or her feel unique. Being surrounded by all those people is kind of humbling, but also rather depressing.

I guess there is the flip side where you should do everything in your power to create the life you want because when it comes down to it, all that matters is that you are happy, not if you are fitting into society or are accepted by others.

That’s it.

P.S. Guess what? I wrote this entire entry with my new fountain pen. It took a lot longer, nearly filled up six pages, but it was awesome!

See?

Fountain pen

Review of Siddhartha by Herman Hesse

Herroz,

So I re-read Siddartha. Read it first when I was a freshman in high school. It was the book that kinda got me interested in … well… books … and writing. It got me interested in the eastern philosophies too.

So the first time I read it I was like… HOLY SHIT THIS BOOK IS AWESOME. I was totally on board with the buddhism idea and basically Siddhartha was my new hero.

This time when I read it, it was… different. I have always hated the idea of re-reading books because I feel like when you finish a book, you’ve made some kind of progress, either mentally or spiritually. So re-reading a book is like you didn’t get all the messages out of the book you were supposed to the first time. Well I sucked up my pride and re-read it. I’m actually really glad I did.

On the second read, I was a lot more skeptical about the whole buddhism/taoism idea, mainly because I’ve become much more cynical over the years and see taoism as one of those magical philosophies that doesn’t deal with real life. After trying to live a peaceful and serene life and utterly failing, I’ve realized taoism doesn’t solve all your problems (at least not right now). Also, I think Siddhartha is a pompous and conceited ass at many points in the book and I hate myself for liking and revering him.

However, after reading it the second time, it’s still one of my favorite books. I think I like the idea that that’s it’s the story of a man’s lifetime and I kind of identify with him. I guess a lot of people do because the book is relatively popular. I am at heart some type of traveler, seeking fulfillment and, in Siddhartha’s case, “enlightenment,” and I have a sinking feeling that I’m going to have to wear many different types of clothes and try a lot of different things that may not turn out well in order to be fulfilled. I guess it’s probably not going to be found in the place I expect it to be either.

The writing style of this book is very strange, but also encouraging. It’s much more summary of Siddhartha’s life rather than scene. Writing teachers tell you summary is the devil, but I guess it can obviously work in some cases.

I just wanted to get this poast up before I left tomorrow. I’m going home for christmas and there is supposed to be a snow storm! Here some quotes I underlined and love! I’ll probably write more on this book later because I think it’s going to play a big part in my life.

“Your soul is the whole world” (humanity)

“One must find the source within one’s own Self, one must possess it. Everything else was seeking–a detour, error.” (I disagree with the error part…)

“You show the world as a complete, unbroken chain, an eternal chain, linked together by cause and effect”

“But there is one thing that this clear, worthy instruction does not contain; (he’s talking to the Buddha. Siddhartha is not Gotama, the Buddha) it does not the contain the secret of what the Illustrious One himself experienced — he alone among hundreds of thousands.” (only you can reach your goal, you can’t do it by following a teacher)

“Be on your guard against too much cleverness.”

“I wanted to rid myself of the Self, to conquer it, but I could not conquer it, I could only deceive it, could only fly from it, could only hide from it. Truly, nothing in the world has occupied my thoughts as much as the Self, this riddle, that I live, that I am one and am separated and different form everybody else, that I am Siddhartha; and about nothing in the world do I know less than about myself, about Siddhartha.”

“I will learn from myself, be my own pupil.”

“Meanings and reality were not hidden somewhere behind things, they were in them, in all of them.”

“My friend, many people want to know that. You must do what you have learned and obtain money, clothes and shoes for it.”

By knowing poverty, you will not be concerned with troubles.

“Then he suddenly saw clearly that he was leading a strange life, that he was doing many things that were only a game, that he was quite cheerful and sometimes experienced pleasure, but that real life was flowing past him and did not touch him.”

“He envied them the one thing that he lacked and that they had: the sense of importance with which they lived their lives, the depth of their pleasures and sorrows, the anxious but sweet happiness of their continual power to love.”

“There is no such thing as time… the river is everywhere at the same time, at the source and at the mouth, at the waterfall, at the ferry, at the current, in the ocean and in the mountains, everywhere, and that the present only exists for it, not the shadow of the past nor the shadow of the future.”

Everything has to be in two places at once?

“Do you really think you have committed your follies to spare your son them?”

“It was true that he had never lost himself in another person to such an extent as to forget himself.”

“He did not understand or share their thoughts and views, but he shared with them life’s urges and desires.”

“Within Siddhartha there slowly grew and ripened the knowledge of what wisdom really was and the goal of his long seeking. It was nothing but a preparation of the soul, a capacity, a secret art of thinking, feeling and breathing thoughts of unity at every moment in life. This thought matured in him slowly, and it was reflected in Vasudeva’s old childlike face: harmony, knowledge of the eternal perfection of the world an unity.”

“The picture of his father, his own picture, and the picture of his son all flowed into each other. Kamala’s picture also appeared and flowed on, and the picture of Govinda and others emerged and passed on. They all became part of the river. It was the goal of them all, yearning, desiring, suffering… the river flowed on towards its goal.”

“You, O worthy one, are perhaps indeed a seeker, for in striving towards your goal, you do not see many things that are under your nose.”

“The potential of everything must be recognized in everybody. The buddha exists in the robber and dice player; the robber exists in the Brahmin.”

“Learn to love the world, and no longer compare it with some kind of desired imaginary world, some imaginary vision of perfection, but to leave it as it is, to love it and be glad to belong to it.”

“This stone is a stone, it is also animal, god and buddha. I do not respect and love it because it was one thing and will become something else, but because it has already long been everything and always is everything.”

“It seems to me, Govinda, that love is the most important thing in the world. It may be important to great thinkers to examine the world, to explain and despise it. But I think it is only important to love the world, not to despise it, not for us to hate eachother, but to be able to regard the world and ourselves and all being with love, admiration and respect.”

“Not in speech or thought do I regard him as a great man, but in his deeds and life.”

“But his glance and his hand and his skin and his hair all radiate a purity, peace, serenity, gentleness and saintliness which I have never seen in any man…”

“How strange his life had been, he thought. He had wandered along strange paths. As a boy, I was occupied with the gods and sacrifices, as a youth with asceticism, with thinking and meditation. I was in search of Brahman and revered the eternal in Atman. As a young man I was attracted to expiation. I lived in the woods, suffered heat and cold. I learned to fast, I learned to conquer my body. I then discovered with wonder the teachings of the great Buddha. I felt knowledge and the unity of the world circulate in me like my own blood, but I also felt compelled to leave the Buddha and the great knowledge. I went and learned the pleasures of love from Kamala and business from Kamaswami. I hoarded money, I squandered money, I acquired a taste for rich food, I learned to stimulate my senses. I had to spend many years like that in order to lose my intelligence, to lose the power to think, to forget about the unity of things It is not true, that slowly and through many deviations I changed from a man into a child? From a thinker into an ordinary person? And yet this path has been good and the bird in my breast has not died. But what a path it has been! I have had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew. But it was right that it should be so. My eyes and heart acclaim it. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to thoughts of suicide, in order to experience grace or hear Om again, to sleep deeply and to awaken refreshed again. I had to become a fool again in order to find Atman in myself. I had to sin in order to live again. Whither will my path yet lead me? This path is stupid, it goes in spiral, perhaps circles, but whichever way it goes, I will follow.”

“You have found peace.”

Unfortunate Man Needs Alcohol to “be real.”

Unfortunate man needs alcohol to “be real.” Yea, that guy’s me. I did some drinking last night. I don’t like to get totally drunk. I just like to have a few drinks and feel tipsy and more relaxed.

Last night was interesting. I didn’t do anything stupid, I just realized something that’s kind of sad and scary. After I’ve drunk, I’m more myself than when I’m sober. I know this is probably the case for a lot of people. Hell, once you get to college or if you’ve already been there or are there, you know that shy people drink to take away the shy. That’s why they call it “liquid courage.” I realized this last night and after I did, I felt very disgusting.

Is that what it’s come to? I need a drug to feel real around other people. When you drink, the doors to this other world opens up and it’s so much easier to be yourself in that world. It’s so much easier to laugh and not feel guilty or say something and not be afraid someone will cut you down. It’s a world of cheap fun and impermanent friends. It’s a beautiful world, but it’s not the real world and it’s not the world the people I love and care about live in.

One of my life goals is to be “real” and unafraid and unguarded, with my heart completely open to the world. I guess alcohol has shown me that I’m in there somewhere. My friend was like “well get used to it. if you want to be real all the time, you better drink all the time.” Bullshit. I look forward to the day when I don’t need a drink to feel real or be myself around groups of people.

Have a good day and get some sunlight,
TK

A planet of the apes would enslave peta…or eat them

Just watched planet of the apes… every time I see that movie, aside from having the sudden urge to hunt down apes and put them in their rightful place at the bottom of the ladder…. >.> … <.< …. I get this weird feeling in my gut. Maybe it's sadness or fear? I'm not sure, but I think it means, that somewhere deep down I really do feel like a part of the human race, even though I often times try to convince myself I'm not.

I think some of the greatest stories are great because they create an alternate reality, a surreal world, very close to ours, but as the story progresses, we realize that there is something awry.

It happens with planet of the apes, a wonderful life, the matrix, vanilla sky, the twilight zone, etc.

My x fiction teacher says that fiction (well not really says, it's a quote from some better teacher) is "heightened reality." I guess those types of stories are a heightened and skewed realities.

I'm looking forward to a white christmas if the new england weather holds up :-P. I burned 400 calories today and worked out! I figured I owed it to myself for being so down yesterday.

Is anyone else hungry?

Eat it! XD It’s not poisoned.

Love,
TK

What unites humanity? Self-loathing.

Yes… self-loathing or disgust. The kind where you see yourself in a mirror and have the strongest urge to slap yourself across the face and scream “YOU ARE WEAK. YOU ARE PATHETIC.”

My day consisted of: laying on my bed, eating junk food, and procrastinating.

I did some serious procrastination. My procrastination has no limits. Instead of studying neuroscience, I set myself upon the impossible task of learning how to card count (convinced I could make more money than being in college), getting really good at risk, and thinking about ways I could turn 100 dollars into 1,000 dollars.

Seriously, I could get multiple projects done in an attempt to avoid the project i’m supposed to be doing. BLAH!

I spend about 1/3 of my time actually working and 2/3 procrastinating. That’s a horrible ratio! That’s like… the efficiency of work… you know the whole physics thing where you only get the result of a small amount of your work because the rest of the energy is lost to heat or light or whatever.

JOISDJFJSDF!!!!! I want to rake a long set of nails down my face… it’s that kind of disgusting feeling.

Anyway, just wanted to share :-D

-TK

Bless me father for I have sinned…

The moon shone full in the sky… I crept towards my murder vehicle.

Secret car

I drove through the streets. It was one of those lonely quiet nights when the rich are walled up tight in their apartments and the poor huddled together on the streets.

Dark city

Finally, I reached the drop point.

Alley

AND THEN A GIANT PANDA JUMPED OUT AND TRIED TO EAT ME!

Panda

But I escaped into the trees…

Trees

Oh wait… i’m in the city… oops

FUN FACT!

Ohhh my godddddd….. this girl is awesomeeeee

Anyway. So I watched “Adaptation.” It’s a movie about a struggling screenwriter and a character resembling Robert Mckee is in it. If you don’t know… Robert Mckee is one of my heroes (he’s a screenwriter adviser). Although…. this movie… well…. it was okay. It was “cute.” The ending was horrible…. seriously. When he was interviewed, Robert Mckee said that the film had “third act problems” and I was like… uh huh… but then Mr. Mckee was like “so they pulled me in and I helped fix the third act and add a redemption scene.” “I refuse to be in a bad movie,” he said with a chuckle.

uHh……. well…. the movie…. is ……. not amazing. Robert McKee is the kama sutra of the screen writing advice industry, but that film is far from a good movie. moving on…

I am finished with my first semester of college! $17,000 down the drain… woooo….
College was NOT what I expected. The drinking, the sex (i mean the sex going on around me. My girlfriend made me change this ;) ), the mediocre classes. The city is pretty bitchin though. I gotta get my shit together though so I can make something of this “college experience.” I AM paying about 6 dollars an hour to be here and that doesn’t include tips.

So I was watching this youtube self help vid today and the guy was talking about stress. I should probably site him or it would be plagiarism…well fuck it I can’t find the video again. I’ll just say THESE ARE NOT MY WORDS.

The short version: So when you were a child you thought that a lost toy was the most stressful/important thing in the world. When a teenager, an ipod, when a young adult, figuring out your major, etc. As you age your perspective broadens and you realize that it was stupid to cry over a lost toy when you were younger, even though when you were younger it seemed so goddamn important. So the self help guy said to keep in mind that even as an adult, the things you care about may matter now, in this perspective, but when you die or move onto some higher form of being, they won’t, so you shouldn’t stress. You should live each moment to the fullest and live only for the moment. One day you will look down at all your “adult” stresses and realize they were nothing.

A cool thought. It kind of parallels how lao tzu says that no matter what is the biggest problem in your life now, in 2,000 years, 100 years, or even 50 years, it won’t matter. Especially if you are dead.

I’ve started reading Siddhartha, by Herman Hesse again. I’ve always hated the idea of re-reading books because I see finishing a book as making progress and re-reading it means I didn’t fully get everything there was to get out of the book so I didn’t really make any progress. WRONG. I’m actually enjoying it. It’s interesting… I have very different views then I had when I was reading it for the first time in freshman year of high school. I find myself questioning more and only agreeing with some things he has to say.

There is this one concept at the end of the chapter I just read that is very interesting… Siddhartha, a wandering brahmin who is in search of fulfillment, was reflecting on how (this is when he met the Buddha) how the buddha did not need a teacher in order to reach fulfillment. The Buddha found fulfillment and meaning on his own, through his own methods. Similarly, every person must find their way through their own life on their own. Although people may help you along the way, you cannot reach self actualization by simply following another person’s teachings. You may understand the teachings but you will never understand the things the teacher went through to get them. You need to endure those same things to reach the level he has reached. His teachings simply get you started.

I’m also reading Angles and Demons (i’ve never read that before) by Dan Brown. Oh my god. I love readings authors like these. When I picked it up I was astounded! His writing is sooo cliche and sooooooo bad. Not his story telling, his writing. He basically does everything writing books and teachers tell you not to do. It gives me a lot of hope and I stand by my idea that if you have story telling skills, it will make up for your writing skills…. I think a good story teller like dan brown would get published over a good writer who doesn’t have any story telling ability. My now x intermediate fiction teacher (thank god) would condemn his writing, but I think that’s narrow minded. I am trying to learn from him and why he is so famous because there are a lot of other people with bad, cliche writing who are just as famous. I’m convinced being published is all about having a great story telling ability and simple writing style.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I rate the success of my day by the number of people I have thought of butchering by the end of it. Greater than 10 is a good day. Today was a good day. If I’m not put in handcuffs tomorrow, then tomorrow will be a perfect day ;).

Love,
-TK

As Phil says…not using a condom is like giving a girl a blank check

BAHHAHAHHAHHA AMAGADDDD you gotta watch this video. This is one of Phil’s better shows.

Also….on this next vid video, the girl was kind of annoying at first, but it got betta.

Finally… you should defs consider dancing to this in your room when no one else is around …. I did…..>.>.

I had a very enlightening and motivating talk with my dad the other day. He works to sell this product he developed to screen for bladder cancer and sometimes he comes down to Washington D.C. for meetings so when he does I get a free meal :-D.

So when your young… 7… 8…. even 13…. You don’t think you will ever forget anything… how can you? You remember what 1st grade, 2nd grade, and 3rd grade was like and you think it will be like that forever. But….. it’s not. You begin to forget what first grade was like as you get older.

I have this very bad habit of forgetting who I am, or rather what makes me who I am, and what I’ve done/experienced. This is one of the reasons I keep a blog/journal.

I’ve been very nervous lately because I’m not sure what I want to be “when I grow up.” (I sure as hell don’t feel like an adult even though I’m 18).

To be an FBI special agent, I would need to either become a lawyer or gain work experience as a nurse practitioner. The problem is… there are so many hoops you have to jump through and so many things I would have to do to get to that point (being accepted into the FBI) it seems impossible… and I’m not sure if I didn’t get in I’d be happy being a nurse practitioner or a lawyer.

It’s like… massive brain overload. Especially for someone as analytical as me… not that i’m rational… just that i’m like “Well if I do this, I have to do this, and this might happen, and would I be happy?” etc. etc. etc. Hamlet style.

So my Dad has been through graduate/medical school and has a PHD and all that stuff so he’s been through a long process which is intended to have some sort of result at the end.

Also… he’s been a smart guy who’s been very focused on science and chemistry his whole life… and it was just refreshing to hear that even he, a guy in school until he was 30 something, says balance in life is essential and that without it he would be unhappy.

The great thing about parents is… a lot of times they remember how you were when you were a nooblet when you might forget. He kinda helped me to remember who I am… the very core of me and the different interests I’ve had and sort of my pattern in pursing them.

I always have this fear that if I really pursue what I want… traveling, writing, just reaching for what I want, I will fail and at the end, when I am old and everyone has a family and a house and a car, I will be alone and financially unstable and regretting not going to medschool or lawschool or finding a stable career.

So my survival instinct is like TK FIND A JOB THAT WILL GIVE YOU MONEY…. and my child is like TK YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE DON’T WASTE IT!!!

But yes… talking to him helped clear my mind.

Anyway. Highlight of this week: I reached my goal…. I stole a bunch of coffee and cream when I went to get my flu shot. INCLUDING IRISH CREAM!!!… I’ve never had that before.

It’s always good to have goals. :)
-TK