Unfortunate man needs alcohol to “be real.” Yea, that guy’s me. I did some drinking last night. I don’t like to get totally drunk. I just like to have a few drinks and feel tipsy and more relaxed.
Last night was interesting. I didn’t do anything stupid, I just realized something that’s kind of sad and scary. After I’ve drunk, I’m more myself than when I’m sober. I know this is probably the case for a lot of people. Hell, once you get to college or if you’ve already been there or are there, you know that shy people drink to take away the shy. That’s why they call it “liquid courage.” I realized this last night and after I did, I felt very disgusting.
Is that what it’s come to? I need a drug to feel real around other people. When you drink, the doors to this other world opens up and it’s so much easier to be yourself in that world. It’s so much easier to laugh and not feel guilty or say something and not be afraid someone will cut you down. It’s a world of cheap fun and impermanent friends. It’s a beautiful world, but it’s not the real world and it’s not the world the people I love and care about live in.
One of my life goals is to be “real” and unafraid and unguarded, with my heart completely open to the world. I guess alcohol has shown me that I’m in there somewhere. My friend was like “well get used to it. if you want to be real all the time, you better drink all the time.” Bullshit. I look forward to the day when I don’t need a drink to feel real or be myself around groups of people.
Have a good day and get some sunlight,
TK
The Thought Hole 
One reply on “Unfortunate Man Needs Alcohol to “be real.””
i think mainly drinking just takes away the thought before the action. when you need to say something you aren’t as apt to thinking of what that person’s reaction will be or whther or not you’ll regret it. it’s just easier to feel and let your instincts guide you, let your walls down when you’re drunk. sure, ideally it would be nice to have all of these characteristics sober and live by them but i think it would take a hell of a lot of work to get to that point, no one’s ever completely themselves around other people. half of the time we fool ourselves into thinking we can be someone we’re not. it’s all very deceptive and i don’t expect that it’ll ever change.